Amadeus X Machina

By

Shawn Bakken

 

 

(Setting: Royal courtyard. NARRATOR stands off to the side, out of the action.)

NARRATOR: Here we are, in a nice little kingdom with a nice little king and

nice little subjects. Today, however, everyone is in for a not-so-nice little surprise.

(Enter KING and QUEEN)

KING: It’s such a beautiful day! The sun is shining, the birds are singing and we’re upwind from the sewage dumping ponds!

QUEEN: You finally have a son.

KING: Yes, you’ve succeeded where my last seven wives failed. Isn't it wonderful? Especially since my name has such a high approval rating! The people love me, I have an heir....

QUEEN: You have a queen who caters to your every whim.

KING: And it’s almost lunchtime—you should go in and cut the crusts off my royal sandwiches soon. But the kingdom is prospering, we've had just enough crime to keep the lions well-fed and everything is just right!

NARRATOR: Which was, of course, the wrong thing to say.

(SERVANT enters.)

SERVANT: Your Majesty! Your Majesty! The new polls came in this morning! Your approval rating is down fifty-eight points from yesterday!

KING: Fifty-eight points?! How could this have happened?!

SERVANT: The lions have escaped into the town square, people are looting the peasant shops and your castle guards abandoned their posts because the Royal Surgeons reported a resurgence of the Black Plague.

KING: Oh.

QUEEN: My Lord, this is terrible! What are you going to do?

SERVANT: You might want to consider talking to the nursemaid, Your Highness. She’s in the royal nursery splitting heirs.

KING: So tell her not to be so damn picky!

SERVANT: No, I mean she’s chopping up the first-born son of every family with

a hand axe.

KING: Oh, those heirs.

QUEEN: You must do something!

KING: Um... okay! Here's what we'll do! We'll... uh... crap!

SERVANT: Sorry, your Majesty, I already did that in my tights as I was running here.

KING: You're not helping! Get out of my sight!

(SERVANT exits.)

QUEEN: C'mon, you're the king, think of something! Make everything better!

KING: I'm trying! I got this job from Dad, he never had to deal with anything like this! I don't know what to do!

QUEEN: Quit your whining, you little pansy!

(KING collapses, curls into the fetal position and starts crying and sucking his thumb; QUEEN exits, screaming angrily.)

NARRATOR: Oh man, this is sad. All right, I’ll fix it!

(NARRATOR raises his arms, the lights brighten and a harmonious sound arises. NARRATOR drops his arms, things return to normal. SERVANT enters.)

SERVANT: Your Majesty! Your Majesty! You won't believe what just happened! The lions... they ate the looters and then choked to death! The nursemaid accidentally chopped both of her hands off before she could hack up your son! A bunch of the guards who left stumbled onto a conspiracy—the Plague was a hoax set up by the Royal Surgeons and the media to ruin your approval rating! The people are back on your side again!

NARRATOR: Hey, you okay, Your Highness? (Helps KING to his feet.)

KING: Yeah... yeah, I am. (Pauses) Who are you?

NARRATOR: I’m a deus ex machina.

KING: Amadeus who?

NARRATOR: (Sighs and rolls his eyes) I’m a deus ex machina. I'm a trick of the trade. If a playwright can't figure out what to do, that's when I get my groove on.

(KING looks confusedly at NARRATOR.)

NARRATOR: You know—I make things a little freaky-deaky.

(KING still looks confused.)

NARRATOR: Let’s go crazy, let’s get nuts?

(KING tilts his head, still confused.)

NARRATOR: Huh. I was sure you’d know that one. But my point is that if there’s a problem, I can fix it. Doesn’t matter what’s wrong, it all works out in the end.

KING: Oh.

NARRATOR: Oh yeah, one more thing.

(NARRATOR snaps his fingers; QUEEN enters and kneels.)

QUEEN: My Lord, I can’t believe I said those horrible things! I beg your forgiveness! Please don’t behead me like your other seven wives!

(KING looks at NARRATOR, who shakes his head.)

KING: (looking back at QUEEN) That’s all right, my dear. Just remember who your lord and master is in the future and we won’t have this problem again. After all, I’ll be in control and everything will be just right!

(NARRATOR drops his head into his hands and moans.)

NARRATOR: Not again…

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