Charlos and The Date
By Travis Olson
Charlos is staring at reflection in mirror.
Charlos
(Cheesy Latin Accent)
Allo, I am Charlos. The Non-Latino Lover… That is to say, I am Not Latino… But I am a Lover… So do not misunderstand… I do love Latinos but I am not Latino… But I am a Lover…
Charlos stares at himself for a moment before he becomes Charles.
Charles
The ladies are going to dig it.
Charles winks at himself in the mirror. There is a knock on the door; Charles opens the door and Gary is standing there.
Gary
Did I hear you talking to yourself?
Charles
Yep.
Gary looks at Charles; a slow smile forms on Charles' face.
Gary
Oh no… Not Charlos?
Charlos
How you say… Oh yeah, baby…
Charles walks passed Gary out of the bathroom and walks down the hall. Gary looks down the hall after Charles.
Gary
You got problems dude.
-End-
Cast-
Charlos/Charles
Gary
Locations-
Bathroom
Int. Restaurant- Night
Gary is sitting across from Deborah at a restaurant.
Deborah
So how long have you known Jessica?
Gary
Oh, about a year… Why? Are you seeing how well she knew me before she set up this date?
Deborah
That obvious, huh? Sorry, I've experienced a lot of these bad set ups but I swear I'm trying to remain unbiased.
Gary
Fair enough. Let's make a deal right now…
Deborah
…Okay… What kind of Deal?
Gary
If either of us decides that we want to end the date; we'll just say a “to be determined” word and then, whoever says the chosen word, is excused from the date and can go home without hurting the other's feelings… How does that sound?
Deborah
That sounds fair enough… I have one stipulation though.
Gary
What's that?
Deborah
Neither of us can say the word just to ditch the other one with the check, agreed?
Gary
Agreed.
Deborah
Alright… So what's the “Word”?
Gary
Well if I say “Bird”, then you'll probably get up and walk away now, right?
Deborah
Oh god yes. I think there is a law about that sort of lameness that instructs me to slug you one before I go.
Gary
Well, I'm glad I tested the water before I jumped into that one… Okay, how about something just utterly ridiculous?
Deborah
Like, um, Fresh-Lemon-Magellan?
Gary stares at Deborah.
Deborah
What?
Gary
That's not even a word… it's a phrase…
Deborah
It's ridiculous.
Gary
How am I even supposed to remember that anyway? And why are you thinking about Fresh Lemons…? Or better yet, why are you thinking about a Portuguese Explorer on a date?
Deborah
I don't know… I didn't even know who Magellan really was… It just, it just rhymed.
Gary
It just rhymed, huh?
Deborah
Yeah…
Gary
Well, I don't want to have to think about the Portuguese Explorer who led the first expedition around the world and try to remember to ask him for ripe citrus if I want to run away…
Deborah
Are you trying to show off?
Gary
A little… Did I mention his first name was Ferdinand?
Deborah
No.
Gary
Well it is.
Deborah
So you're a brain, huh?
Gary
No, I just have a good memory for past tense celebrities…
Deborah
Past tense celebrities?
Gary
Oh yeah, if I could, I would totally be a time traveling paparazzi. Do you know how much a Jefferson Scandalous Photo would go for?
Deborah stares at Gary for a minute and smiles.
Gary
What?
Deborah
I know what you're doing?
Gary
What am I doing?
Deborah
You're trying to get me to forget about choosing a word, so that I can't escape later on.
Gary
I am not. I was just letting you know about my dream job.
Deborah
Uh huh.
Gary
I was.
Deborah
Whatever you say Ferdinand…
Gary
See… You were impressed…
Deborah
Don't get too far ahead of yourself.
Gary
Believe me. I never gain any distance I can't travel…
Deborah
Hmm. We'll see… Now back to that word…
Gary
You're really hung up on that word.
Deborah
A deal's a deal, my friend.
Gary
Okay. Ridiculous got us no where, so how about a very polite word instead?
Deborah
Too risky…
Gary
What do you mean?
Deborah
Well, what if I'm just so well mannered that I say the polite word on accident and then we have to stare at each other in awkward silence because I didn't mean to say it but I did but I didn't get up and you would sit there wondering what you did wrong and then why didn't I leave and you would be wondering if I was waiting for an apology but I wouldn't be because I didn't mean to say the polite word in the first place…
Gary
Whoa… Deborah?
Deborah
Yes.
Gary
Let's choose the word before you show me your neurotic side, kay?
Deborah
I was just pointing out the unforeseen variables in the polite word theory.
Gary
Okay, then we can both agree that a ridiculous word and a polite word are completely out of the question.
Deborah
That is correct.
Gary
Okay… Let me think…
Gary and Deborah are quietly thinking and sharing a nice silence. Gary accidentally lets a very loud fart out into the restaurant. Deborah and Gary now share a very, very long and uncomfortable and very awkward silence.
Gary
Um… Should we just use that?
Deborah
Yeah…
Deborah gets up and leaves the table; Gary lowers his head and bangs it on top of the table.
-End-
Cast-
Gary
Deborah
Location-
Restaurant
Int. Bar- Night
Deborah is sitting at the Counter; she has a few empty shot glasses on the counter and signals the bartender for another one. The Bartender nods and begins preparing the drinks. Charlos walks up to the bar; he looks at the empty shot glasses and then at Deborah who is indifferent at the moment, a sinister grin forms of Charlos' face.
Charlos
(Cheesy Latin Accent)
Allo, I am Charlos. The Non-Latino Lover… That is to say, I am Not Latino… But I am a Lover… So do not misunderstand… I do love Latinos but I am not Latino… But I am a Lover…
Deborah stares at Charlos; she looks over at the bartender who has arrived with the next order of drinks and is staring at Charlos. Deborah and the Bartender make eye contact and they both know that Charlos is a loser; Deborah looks back to Charlos who is raising an eye brow thinking that it is suave.
Charlos
(Cheesy Latin Accent)
…Can I, how you say… purchase… you the next round… after those?
Deborah looks at the bartender who is now shaking his head no. Deborah looks at Charlos again. Deborah looks at her new shots; she places her hand on the glass and stares at Charlos. She slams the drink and stares at the empty glass. She looks at Charlos.
Deborah
…Why not…?
Charlos grins big and nods to the bartender who is shaking his head again but pours the next shot. The Bartender walks away. Deborah and Charlos look at each other.
Deborah
Hey Barkeep. …Leave the bottle…
-End-
Cast-
Deborah
Charles/Charlos
Bartender
Location-
Bar
Int. Kitchen- Day
Gary is in the kitchen; he has a loaf of bread, some butter on the counter and there is a skillet on the stove. Gary opens a drawer and pulls out a knife; he then opens the refrigerator and pulls out a block of cheese. Gary begins cutting the cheese. Charles walks into the kitchen and watches Gary for a moment.
Gary
Hey man.
Charles
Hey.
Gary
Didn't hear you come home last night…
Charles
That's because I got home late.
Charles stares at the set up Gary has.
Charles
Whatcha do'in?
Gary
Making a grilled cheese sandwich… You want one?.
Charles
Yeah… I'm going to take a quick shower… Ten minutes enough time?
Gary
Yep…
Charles
Cool.
Charles leaves the kitchen. Gary continues cutting the cheese. Deborah dressed in pajamas turns the corner and enters the kitchen. Deborah watches Gary; Gary looks up and sees Deborah, he's a bit perplexed that she's here. Deborah smiles at Gary.
Deborah
…Up to your old tricks again, huh?
Gary looks down at the cheese and back to Deborah; he smiles and then the smiles fades away.
Gary
Oh no… Not Charlos?
Deborah
Eh… Fresh Lemon Magellon…
Deborah turns and leaves the kitchen.
-End-
Cast-
Gary
Charles/Charlos
Deborah
Locations-
Kitchen
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