Tailgating pt. 5

“Lost Souls”

A Billy Hill the Hillbilly Sketch

by Timothy Meinke

 

 

Cast

 

Billy Hill……………………………….............Hillbilly

Reverend James………………………………..Lost traveler

Bruno the Bear………………………………....Played by Wally the WaZoo! Bear

 

BEAT-UP PICKUP TRUCK. BILLY SITS ON THE TAILGATE DRINKING MOONSHINE FROM A JUG. BANJO PLAYS THE FIRST FEW NOTES OF “DUELING BANJOS.”

REVEREND JAMES STAGGERS ONSCREEN. HE IS HOT AND SWEATY. HE LEANS PANTING AGAINST THE TRUCK. BILLY CONTEMPLATES HIM FOR A MOMENT, THEN HANDS HIM THE JUG. JAMES TAKES A SWIG, THEN CHOKES, GASPS AND HOOTS.

 

JAMES

Whoo!! Lordy!! Lordy!!  (COMPOSES HIMSELF.) Thank Heavens you’re here!  This morning, I’m driving to the Revival when my car breaks down. I tried calling for help, but my cell phone couldn’t get a signal. So, I’m walking into town when this huge, enormous bear comes out of nowhere and chases me into the woods.  I finally outran him. But, I couldn’t find the road again and I’ve been lost ever since.

 

BILLY

Is dere’ a reward out for ya?

 

JAMES

Why- no. No, I don’t think so.

 

BILLY

Den’ yer’ still lost.

 

JAMES

Are you a Christian, brother?

 

BILLY

Nope! The Christian Brothers live over the next ridge. I’m Billy Hill.

 

JAMES

No, what I meant was, have you found Jesus?

 

BILLY

Nope! Why? Is he lost, too?

 

JAMES

Brother Billy, do you want to go to Heaven?

 

BILLY

Nope!

 

JAMES

You don’t want to go to Heaven when you die?

 

BILLY

Oh, sure! When I die. I thought you wuz’ askin’ me to go, now.

 

JAMES

Mister Hill, I’m hot, tired and completely lost. All I’m asking from you is a little help.

 

BILLY

Well reverend, I would. But see, I’m kinda’ busy right now. (SWIGS FROM JUG.) Mebbe’ yer frien’ kin’ help.

 

JAMES

My friend?

 

BILLY POINTS TO BRUNO THE BEAR WHO IS APPROACHING. HE IS CARRYING A PLUNGER WITH A ROLL OF TOILET PAPER ON THE HANDLE AND A NEWSPAPER TUCKED UNDER ONE ARM.

 

JAMES

(YELPS)

 It’s the bear!

 

JAMES RUNS OFF. BRUNO SITS DOWN NEXT TO BILLY.

 

BRUNO

Billy.

 

BILLY

Bruno.

 

BRUNO

Who wuz’ yer frien?

 

BILLY

My frien? He said he wuz’ wit’ you.

 

CUE “DUELING BANJOS.”

The End

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