TEXAS BOARD MEETING By Brian Larson and Randy Baranczyk Draft January 8, 2008 Revised February 2, 2008 Randy Baranczyk 1254 Juno Ave. Saint Paul MN 55116 651-895-6839 Cast: Chairman – Very elderly, wears Coke-bottle glasses. Board Members – Six to ten more people. DAYTIME, INT. BOARD ROOM We are in a board meeting of some Texas company. The members are all dressed in stereotypical Western attire. We're viewing the meeting from the end of a long table, board members on either side, the CHAIRMAN at the far end. Except for one man who appears to be sleeping with his head on the table, all the board members are facing the Chairman. When the members speak, we never see more than their profile from this angle. CHAIRMAN (sounding somewhat frail) At this time, I'd like your input on where we need to improve our revenue picture. I've got my ideas, but I want to hear yours. BOARD MEMBER ONE rises and picks up a Bowie knife. He rises with his face just out of frame, turns toward the camera and flings his knife presumably toward a chart of some sort. We hear the sound of a knife hitting the chart. BOARD MEMBER ONE Well, Mr. Chairman, I think we need to look at a new marketing campaign. Folks cozy up to clever ads like cats in front of a warm fire. I think with the right focus, we can boost sales ten, fifteen percent. BOARD MEMBER TWO also stands, picks up his knife and flings it toward the camera (i.e., the chart). Cut to close-up of the chart where we see two Bowie knives stuck in the section labeled "Marketing." Cut back to original perspective. BOARD MEMBER TWO I agree. You know what they say, "You've gotta spend money to make money." One and Two sit down. BOARD MEMBER THREE stands up, face out of frame, picks up his knife and flings it toward the camera/chart. We hear it strike. BOARD MEMBER THREE Listen carefully: Pro-duc-ti-vi-ty, that's the key. I say crack the whip and strike the fear of God into our varmint workers and we'll get more out of 'em. Three sits down. BOARD MEMBER FOUR I'm not so sure. I think we need to tighten up on our costs. Like the others, he rises and throws his knife at the chart. Again we hear the sound of the knife hitting the chart. BOARD MEMBER FOUR And I think we need to start with our health insurance that we offer. We can't be givin' away the farm all the time. If we have the employees boost their monthly contributions by $75, we could save a big bundle. Four sits down and BOARD MEMBER FIVE rises. BOARD MEMBER FIVE That's a start, but it's even more basic than that. As a company, I think we're getting as bloated as a cow in a cornfield. I think we'll have to cull the herd. BOARD MEMBER SIX Layoffs? BOARD MEMBER FIVE Yep. That's the only way to get this operation profitable again. Five picks up his knife and flings it at the camera/chart. The Chairman has taken all this in. He slowly rises. Cut to a close-up of the Chairman wearing his thick glasses. CHAIRMAN You know what I think? He picks up his knife now. Suddenly, we hear scuffling and the sound of chairs sliding on the floor. Finally, the camera cuts to the Chairman's perspective and we see that all the board members are ducking and pushing away from the table, save for the "sleeping" board member. We now see that all the board members have bloody bandages and wounds on this side of their faces. The "sleeping" board member is actually dead, a knife sticking out the side of his head. FADE OUT THE END
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