“I’m a Surgeon,
You must know”
by
Lori Chu
Fifth Draft April 2007
612-282-5338
Caste of characters:
Doctor
Receptionist
Patients (5)
Directors (4)
Stretcher Bearers
(2)
Scene 1 Stage
setting: Dr.’s Office.
Receptionist’s desk
Desk with medical
chart behind.
DOOR AT AN ANGLE
WINDOW SET UP ON A
SUPPORT
PATIENT SITTING DOCTOR STANDING
Patient singing
“My
breasts are itching, they sure do, and they get bigger and bigger too! You, as
a doctor, must know what to do!”
Doctor singing
“Itching
breasts, that is not for me, I am a SURGEON, as you must see!”
SCENE 2 PATIENT AND DOCTOR
STANDING
Patient
“I
came to you, a woman too, please do something for me! My, uhh, well, down
there, it hurts when…”
Doctor Singing
"I'm
a surgeon, "I'm a surgeon! That you must understand! I do not deal
with what’s inside on top, and what is bothering you surgery cannot cure!”
Patient walks away looking dejected.
Scene 3 PATIENT COMES IN AND SITS DOWN. DOCTOR WALKS IN.
DOCTOR SINGING
“You
don’t look well at all. Tell me what is
wrong.”
PATIENT Singing
“I have the flu, at least I think I do, I hope it is not
far
more than flu. This is enough to for me to bear.”
Doctor Singing
“Flu! That is not
for me to diagnose. You need a General
Practitioner, that is what you need. The
front desk will
refer you to the
clinic down the street.”
Patient singing
“That
will take a week or even two!”
Doctor Singing
“But
I’m a surgeon, a surgeon, you must understand.
That is
what
I Interned in, that is what I know.”
SURGEON TURNS TO
AUDIENCE:
Doctor Singing
“I get
paid for surgery, not for treating flu.
The grants,
you
know, are for the bigger things. And
grants are what
brings
in the dough! That doctor down the
street, what
is his name, he can treat for flu. That’s for HIM to do!”
SCENE 4 STAGE SETTING DIRECTORS MEETING. FOUR MEN, ALL WEARING
DARK SUITS, SIT AROUND
A TABLE.
DIRECTOR
1 SINGING
“Operations, operations, that is what we must do!
Progress in the art is all and good, but money is where
it’s at”
DIRECTOR 2
SINGING
“We have surgeons, good and true, who can care for
me and you.
Who are happy to cut and slice, and even sew,
(ASIDE)
as long as salaries are paid.
But the
clinic down the street has gotten funds, has
gotten
funds, for doing less than we!”
DIRECTOR 3 SINGING
“Our
surgeons are the best. They waste no time on less.
But if
we are to expand, then we must not attract the attention
of the
AG, who has no qualms about such things as audits.
He even
says we should,
(SHUDDER) give
care to those who cannot pay!”
ALL DIRECTORS GASP.
DIRECTOR 1 SINGING
“We do 100 operations every single day,
every single day,
what do you have to say?”
DIRECTOR 2 SINGING
“XtraCare
does 125 and they got federal funds today.”
ALL DIRECTORS
SINGING
“Federal
Funds! Federal Funds! Federal Funds assure
success! Success assures our salaries! Success assures
our
perks!”
DIRECTOR
3 SINGING DOLEFULLY
“Federal
funds assure an audit. State funds do much the same.”
DIRECTOR
4 SINGING
“Forget
the audit, get in line, we can do 129.”
DIRECTOR 1
SINGING
“130”
DIRECTOR
2 SINGING
“135”
DIRECTOR
3 SINGING
“I will get in line! We can do 150, every single day, I'll tell
the staff
that it is so and that they get a
percentage if
they
follow through.”
ALL
FOUR SINGING
"Audits,
audits, we don't care! 150 surgeries a day
will
assure the peoples health and our personal
wealth.
Our personal wealth! Our personal wealth!
PAUSE
Then we can afford a doctor too!"
MEN IN SUITS START DANCING AROUND
THE TABLE.
Scene 5
WOMAN COMES INTO OFFICE. DOCTOR SEATED
Woman Singing
“I used to take a B, now
I overflow a D. is there help for me?”
Doctor leaps up and sings
"I'm a surgeon, I don't deal with enlarged breasts. You can go
to Dr. Willcare, he can care for you. He can diagnose, he can medicate. That is
his line, it is not mine.”
Scene
6 DOCTOR PACING HER OFFICE SINGING.
"They want this, they want that. I'm not
a diagnostician! ... I'm a surgeon, I’m a surgeon and I'm tired of all this.
What shall I do, what can I do - I can change my specialty! I can change my
specialty!"
DOCTOR SITS DOWN
AND PLACES HEAD IN HANDS, THEN LEAPS UP EXTENDING FINGER.
DOCTOR SINGING
"I
will specialize in male hormonal problems! I will never see another
breast. I will never be asked about that
kind of itch. I know what to do!”
LEAPS INTO THE
AIR AND CONTINUES LEAPING OFF STAGE
Scene
7 TWO PEOPLE IN WHITE
CARRY SIGN ACROSS STAGE
The doctor is OUT
– Getting a New Specialty
Scene
8 DOCTOR COMES ON STAGE WAVING CERTIFICATE.
Doctor singing to audience
"I'm a specialist, a specialist I am! I'm
a specialist in male hormonal surges and not in any personal way. I can
diagnose, I can cure, I do not have to care! I will set up my new practice, I
will advertise to, hmm, (FINGER ON LIPS) to executives….. I will advertise
to executives! Now where is that phone number for the realtor who finds
offices, who finds offices for specialists, for that is what I am!"
LOTS OF HAND
WAVING AND JUMPING AROUND.
Scene
9 DOCTOR COMES ON STAGE AND STOPS AT RECEPTIONISTS DESK
RECEPTIONIST SINGS
“Your first patient is in
doctor (doctor
drawn out)
He is waiting behind your door.”
DOCTOR GOES INTO OFFICE SINGING
“And how are you today. I’m so glad you came to me”
PATIENT (MALE WITH VERY LARGE BREASTS) TURNS AROUND AND SAYS
" My breasts are enlarged!"
DR. FALLS BACKWARD AND
TWO PEOPLE IN WHITE COME ENTER AND CARRY HER OUT ON A STRETCHER.
Scene 10 A BIG CARDBOARD DISPLAY IS ROLLED OUT SAYING
A display is rolled in saying
“HOSPITAL”
SINGERS CARRYING A STRETCHER. .
She'll recover, she sure will, the hospital
is
the best there is, it has every specialty.
And if
it fails, why then, we have a place where
they
do cut and sew
A display is rolled in saying “Best
Mortuary”
OPTIONAL
Scene 11
Stretcher carriers singing:
“She was the best, she said it all the
time, she said she
liked to cut and sew. So now we know
where she should
go! It is the BEST for her, you’ll see,
and they can do the
autopsy!
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