It's All Purple

by Timothy Meinke

Based on a true story by Lesa Palm McCarty


Cast

Wendy Tram..............................................................Patient
Betty..........................................................................Nurse Practitioner
Doctor Young............................................................Gynecologist; younger, less experienced
Doctor Elder..............................................................Gynecologist; older, bespectacled, seen-it-all
Janitor........................................................................
Tourist.......................................................................Hawaiian shirt with camera
Wally the Beer Man..................................................
Doctor, Nurses, Interns, Cast of Tens


Doctor's exam room. Wendy sits on exam table in a paper gown. Betty enters.


Betty

Hello! Are you Wendy Tram?

Wendy

Yes

Betty

(Consulting chart.) You were fitted for a diaphragm last month and you are here for your follow-up visit?

Wendy

That's right.

Betty

Did you remember to put your diaphragm in before coming here so the doctor can check it for size and fit?

Wendy

Yep! It's in there.

Betty

Good! Have you been using jelly with it?

Wendy

Huh-huh.

Betty

Any discomfort or irregularities in your cycle?

Wendy

No.

Betty

Trouble urinating or any unusual discharges?

Wendy

No.

Betty

Any other problems we should know about?

Wendy

Well, sometimes it gets sticky after I use it and I have a little trouble getting it out- especially if I leave it in a long time.

Betty

Okay. (Jots note in the chart.) Now, if you'll lie back and put your feet up in the stirrups, the doctor will-


Doctor Young enters.


Betty

Oh! Here (S)he is, now! (Hands him/her chart.)

Young

Hello, Wendy!

Wendy

Hello, Doctor!

Young

(Consulting chart.) It's been a month already since I fitted you for a diaphragm?

Wendy

Yes, it has.

Young

Working out for you?

Wendy

I think so.

Young

I see you're having a little trouble with it sticking?

Wendy

Yeah, sometimes.

Young

That happen often?

Wendy

Not at first. But, it does seem to happen more and more often.


Young hands chart to Betty, sits on exam stool and prepares to examine Wendy. Cut to patients-eye view.


Young

Well, that's certainly interesting. Now, just relax and we'll take a look at it and- (Startled.) Oh, my!

Wendy

(Close-up.) What is it?

Young

(Patients-eye view.) Uh, wait just one sec. (Sotto Voce.) Nurse!


Betty peers over Young's shoulder and gasps.


Wendy

(Close-up.) What's the matter?

Young

Uh- Nothing! Nothing's the matter! Just relax. (Hisses.) Get Dr. Elder in here! He should see this!


Cut to patients-eye view of Dr. Elder. (S)he squints through trifocals between Wendy's legs. Young and Betty hover behind him/her.


Elder

Well, I've never seen anything like that before. I'll have to consult with my colleagues.


Cut to close-up of Wendy expressing exasperation. Cut to patients-eye view. Doctors, interns and nurses have been added to the cast. All are jostling for a view between her legs. Cut to close-up of Wendy expressing embarrassment. Cut to patients-eye view. Janitor has been added to cast. He is holding the head of a broom.


Janitor

Holy Sh-



Simultaneously bleep janitor and flash blank, white screen. Cut to patients-eye view. A tourist in a loud Hawaiian shirt is next to the janitor. The tourist had just taken a photograph with his camera and prepares to take another one.


Tourist

Say cheese!

Wendy

(Close-up. Genuinely happy to pose.) CHEESE!!


Tourist snaps photograph. Sound of shutter clicking. Cut to patients-eye view.


Janitor

(To tourist.) Hey, man! Get one of her face this time!

Wendy

(Close-up. Mortified.) WHAT!?


Flash a blank, white screen. Sound of shutter clicking. Camera angle is now side-view of exam table. As many people as can fit into the room are onscreen looking at Wendy. Wally the Beer Man enters.


Wally

Peanuts! Cold beer!

Young

(Waving behind crowd.) Yo! Peanuts!


Wally tosses peanuts to him/her. Cut to close-up to Wendy expressing her disbelief over everything that's happening. Cut to patients-eye view. Everyone watches Elder work between her legs. Young is munching noisily on peanuts. Sound of a cork being pulled and popped out of a wine bottle. Elder holds up a purple diaphragm. Small hubbub as everyone reacts to it.


Elder

Miss Tram, are you aware that your diaphragm has turned purple?

Wendy

(Close-up.) Well, yes.

Elder

(Patients-eye view.) You have a theory as to how that happened?

Wendy

(Close-up.) Well, the other nurse practitioner told me I could use any jelly I wanted to and my boyfriend likes grape the best.

Everyone

Ohhh!


Young touches the diaphragm and sticks his/her finger in his/her mouth.


Young

Tastes like raspberry to me


The End

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