Prejudging Amy

Prejudging Amy

ANNOUNCER

JUDGE AMY

PROSECUTOR

DEFENSE

BAILIFF

KID

LANDLORD

MAXINE

PIZZA GUY

FELON

Setting: Courtroom. JUDGE AMY sits behind the bench, PROSECUTOR at one desk, DEFENSE and KID at the other desk.

ANNOUNCER

Tonight, on Prejudging Amy.

PROSECUTOR

Your Honor, the defendant is charged with four counts of third-degree assault and one count of theft for beating up several children and stealing one of their bicycles.

AMY

How do you plead?

DEFENSE

My client pleads not guilty, your Honor.

AMY

Well, it’s a good thing we can teach him a lesson now before he commits any more crimes against society. He’s guilty and I’m sentencing him to thirty days in jail. [Bangs her gavel]

DEFENSE

Your Honor, it was a bunch of kids and a Huffy!

AMY

Sixty days!

DEFENSE

Your Honor, he’s only seven!

AMY

Two years of hard labor!

[KID jumps out of his chair]

KID

It was my bike!

AMY

You’re in contempt!

KID [Crying]

I want my mommy!

AMY

That’s it! [Starts banging the gavel repeatedly] Off with his head! Off with his head!

[BAILIFF throws KID over his shoulder and carries him out of the courtroom.]

[Screen fades to black, then returns to courtroom with PROSECUTOR and LANDLORD behind the prosecution desk. DEFENSE and MAXINE are behind the defense desk and PIZZA GUY sits behind them, rolling his head around and making random noises.]

AMY

What is she doing here?

DEFENSE

She’s suppo—

MAXINE

I’m here as a social worker.

AMY

For embezzlement, I suppose. I didn’t think you could skim off the top of a business that doesn’t have anything to skim, Mother.

MAXINE

Amy, I’m representing my client, Pizza Guy. [Gestures to PIZZA GUY]

PIZZA GUY

[Lifts his head up and blinks] Gwaaauuaah… purple. [Drops his head forward.]

MAXINE

He was making a delivery last month, but when he stepped off the curb, he was run over by a car. The driver backed up to see what he hit, then ran him over a third time when he drove away. Pizza Guy suffered severe brain damage and I’ve been assigned to aid him in any legal matters.

AMY [looking at PROSECUTOR]

So what did he do?

PROSECUTOR

My client is the defendant’s landlord, Your Honor. He wants to evict Pizza Guy due to extensive property damage.

LANDLORD [glaring at PIZZA BOY]

All that drooling is ruining the wood finish and it’s warping the floorboards!

AMY

Great, he’s gone. [Bangs gavel] What’s the next case?

MAXINE

You can’t do that!

AMY

I just did.

MAXINE

This man has rights!

AMY

Yes, he has the right to leave my courtroom.

MAXINE

You are so grounded!

AMY

Bailiff, it’s time to break for lunch. [Stands up and leaves]

[BAILIFF walks over to the defense desk. DEFENSE jumps back as BAILIFF pushes MAXINE to the floor and starts beating her with his billy club.]

PIZZA GUY

[Lifts his head and blinks] Bbbbroooeeeeooo… I… like… pie. [Drops his head forward]

[Screen fades to black, then returns to courtroom with DEFENSE and FELON behind the defense desk.]

ANNOUNCER

And now, a scene from next week’s episode of Prejudging Amy.

AMY

What were those charges again?

PROSECUTOR

Three counts of first-degree murder, four counts of arson, seven burglaries, 17 traffic violations, leading a conspiracy of disorderly conduct to urinate on every public dumpster in the city and he committed one act of bestiality by humping a dog’s leg.

AMY

Sounds like a pretty dangerous individual. I suggest you bring the case back to court as soon as the police arrest the right person.

PROSECUTOR

… I’m sorry?

AMY

Look at him. He’s clean-shaven, his haircut is immaculate, and those cuticles… do those look like the cuticles of a man who would try to have sex with a dog’s leg? He must be innocent.

PROSECUTOR

Your Honor, we have evidence to prove all of these charges!

AMY

I said he didn’t do it! You’ve got the wrong man!

PROSECUTOR

There are twelve witnesses in the hallway who saw everything!

AMY

Bailiff!

[BAILIFF pulls out his gun and shoots PROSECUTOR.]

AMY

All right, next case.