A middle-aged CLUB PRESIDENT stands before a small audience. A slide projector is on a small table before her.

PRESIDENT
Good evening. Tonight our Traveller's Club is honored to present Mr. Len Scapoff. Mr. Scapoff's extremely impressive portfolio includes celebrities at work and play, along with the world's greatest natural scenery and priceless art treasures. Mr. Scapoff.

LEN SCAPOFF takes the president's place. He is extremely self-confident.

SCAPOFF
Thank you, Madame President. And now without further ado, I'd like to show you some of my slides.

The lights dim.

SCAPOFF
I thought I'd start off with a shot of Lake Geneva.

INSERT: THE SLIDE. Nothing but water is visible.

SCAPOFF (O.S.)
Now, as you know, Lake Geneva is one of the world's most beautiful lakes. As you can see here, the clarity of the water is impressive. And here's another shot...

INSERT: THE SLIDE. Another shot of water.

MAN IN AUDIENCE
How do we know it's Lake Geneva?

SCAPOFF
Excuse me? How do we know--?

MAN IN AUDIENCE
How do we know that's Lake Geneva?

SCAPOFF
Well, it is, you know, that's it. Now if you would notice how delicately the light plays over the surface.

INSERT: Same slide.

SCAPOFF (O.S.)
That is one of the hallmarks of this lake, which is cozily nestled in the mountains of Switzerland.

Scapoff continues, unfazed.

SCAPOFF
Now here's a shot of Italy's great Lake Como.

INSERT: THE SLIDE. More water.

SCAPOFF (O.S.)
Lake Como is, of course, a leading recreational destination for thousands of Italians and northern Europeans. Its crystal clear waters are perfect for boating, water skiing and all manner of sport.

Scapoff looks to the audience.

SCAPOFF
And let's not forget Lake Baikal, in Siberia.

INSERT: THE SLIDE. More water.

SCAPOFF (O.S.)
Notice the serene surface of this deepest of lakes. It may be cold, but it's a favorite vacation spot for Russians.

Scapoff continues.

SCAPOFF
Now let's look at some African lakes. Here we see Victoria.

INSERT: THE SLIDE. More water.

THE AUDIENCE rustles impatiently.

SCAPOFF
This large but shallow lake is one of the marvels of--

MAN IN AUDIENCE
You got anything besides water?

SCAPOFF
I beg your pardon?

MAN IN AUDIENCE
When do we see the rest of it? You know, the shoreline, the mountains.

SCAPOFF
Well, these are, actually, the lakes. I promised slides of lakes, and since lakes are bodies of water, I think you'll agree you're getting...

The audience rumbles its displeasure.

MAN IN AUDIENCE
Never mind the lakes. Show us something else.

The audience murmurs in agreement. Scapoff rapidly clicks through several slides.

SCAPOFF
Some of the world's most famous lakes, and you want shorelines. Mud, muck and motor docks. But never mind, you're the audience, you know best. This next slide is an unusual view of the Matterhorn, taken from the lower slopes.

INSERT: THE SLIDE. A slope with trees, not all of which are evergreens.

SCAPOFF (O.S.)
Notice the extreme severity of the slope. This is part of what makes even the lower sections of the Matterhorn so treacherous. Now if a climber--

MAN IN AUDIENCE
How do we know that's the Matterhorn?

SCAPOFF
Now I've had just about enough--

The audience murmurs angrily.

SCAPOFF
Very well, I can take a hint. No more stunning lakes or landscapes. We'll move on to people. Is that okay? People? You know people when you see them, don't you? Yes, of course you do. This should be more in keeping with your fastidious requirements. Here I have a rare shot of Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth the Second, an unusually close and intimate shot.

INSERT: THE SLIDE. It shows a woman's lower arm.

SCAPOFF (O.S.)
This one is notable not only because it is of Her Majesty, but because it was taken outdoors, during a rare family outing. The queen usually--

MAN IN AUDIENCE
(mimicking Cockney accent)
Oh, yeah, that's 'er all right.

Scapoff glances contemptuously at the man.

SCAPOFF
Yes, that is Her Majesty the Queen.

MAN IN AUDIENCE
No, it isn't.

SCAPOFF
Yes, it is.

MAN IN AUDIENCE
No, it isn't.

SCAPOFF
Yes, it is.

MAN IN AUDIENCE
No, it isn't. Tell me, Mr. Scapoff, do you live near a lake?

SCAPOFF
Yes.

MAN IN AUDIENCE
By a wooded slope?

SCAPOFF
Yes.

MAN IN AUDIENCE
You got a wife, too?

SCAPOFF
Yes. What are you getting at?

MAN IN AUDIENCE
Those slides weren't taken in Geneva or Lake Baikal or Africa or England. I think you took them all in your back yard.

Scapoff's eyes shift in discomfort.

MAN IN AUDIENCE (cont'd)
You're no more a photographer than the rest of us.

SCAPOFF
Is that so, Mr. Oh-what-a-great-critic-I-am? You think you know more than I do about photography? You think you could do this job? Well fine! Take it! Come up here with your piddling little pictures, and entertain us. I'm waiting.

The man in the audience rolls his eyes and sits down.

SCAPOFF
Come on! What's this, can't take the heat? Well I've had just about enough of it, too. As far as I'm concerned, the whole lot of you can take your miserable, petty, hair-splitting notions of what's photography and go find somebody who'll cater to your whining, pathetic little whims.

The club president reappears. Scapoff looks at her. She points up and behind him. When he turns to look, she kicks him in the behind. He falls out of sight. She addresses the audience, all smiles.

PRESIDENT
And that concludes our meeting for this week. Next week our guest will be Miss Hallie Hartup, who has made a career of photographing Bob Dole. Good night, all.

THE END

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