SUBWAY COMMERCIAL
Written by Annie Wallick

(THAT STUPID 'I-LOVE-CHICKEN-THIS-MUCH' ONE)

A WOMAN WALKS INTO SUBWAY (OR SOME MADE-UP SANDWICH PLACE-'Way of the Sub') AND SEE THE COMPANY SPOKESPERSON, JARED

WOMAN #1:

Hiya, Jared! Whatcha eating?

JARED:
It's the new Subway chicken salad sandwich! It's so tasty! I love it! And no one loves chicken more than I do!

MAN #1 (O.S.):

Oh yeah?...

CUT TO MAN #1, HOLDING SANDWICH

MAN #1 (cont'd):
...well, I've got subway's chicken enchilada sandwich and it is fantastic! I love it more than I love my '68 Camaro!

CUT TO ANOTHER WOMAN

WOMAN #2:
Well I love my chicken sammich more than I love my children!

CUT TO ANOTHER MAN

MAN #2:
Well, I adore my chicken sandwich more than I love having sex with my co-worker on my boss' desk and shooting smack in the break room!

CUT TO A THIRD WOMAN (or man, it doesn't matter)-THE MISFIT

MISFIT:
Well, I'm sure digging this meatball sandwich.

ALL THE PEOPLE IN THE RESTAURANT GASP, ONE BY ONE, ENDING ON JARED AND THE FIRST WOMAN. MAN #1 RISES SUDDENLY, POINTING AN ACCUSING FINGER AT THE MISFIT

MAN #1:

INFIDEL!

WOMAN #2:

TRAITOR!

MAN #2:

INDIVIDUAL!

CUT TO JARED AND WOMAN #1. JARED RISES, WOMAN LOOKS CONFUSED

JARED:

Seize the interloper!

THE RESTAURANT PATRONS ALL RUSH THE MISFIT, GRABBING HIM/HER AND RUSHING OUT OF THE RESTAURANT. JARED FOLLOWS.

JARED (exiting):

Away, my children! Away!...

FIRST WOMAN STILL STANDS, PERPLEXED. SHE LOOKS TOWARDS THE COUNTER

WOMAN #1:

Can I have a tuna wrap, please?

CUT TO THE MISFIT TIED TO A STAKE, GAGGED. THE CRAZED PEOPLE ARE DRESSED IN CEREMONIAL ATTIRE AND COVERED WITH FACE PAINT

CRAZED PEOPLE:

Jared...Jared...Jared...

JARED IS SEATED ON A THRONE/CHAIR, ALSO DRESSED UP, BUT MORE EXTRAVAGANTLY. MAN #2 STEPS FORWARDS TOWARDS THE MISFIT WITH A TORCH

MAN #2:
For the sin of individuality in the presence of our Lord, the Almighty and fabulously in shape, Jared-

CRAZED PEOPLE:

JARED!!

MAN #2:
...you have been sentenced to be BURNED AT THE STAKE!

THE CROWD CHEERS. THE MISFIT TRIES TO TALK, BUT IS MUFFLED BY THE GAG. A SUBTITLE APPEARS ON THE SCREEN:

"Blimey, I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition!"

NOTE: Scene could end with patrons taking misfit out of store and woman ordering tuna wrap, or could end after gasps with the misfit saying:

MISFIT:

What? Screw you guys; I don't like chicken!

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