Y2K+3Y

Written for Walden-Enterprises by Jordan Vadnais, 2001

[Scene is of a news desk, a la 20/20 or Dateline. Behind the desk, we see Phil Stellar, anchor for WOZ network’s nightly news show, "Deadpan at 10." Phil, of course, exhibits no emotion or excitement when delivering the news, so remarks that seem our of the ordinary or out of place are to be read completely serious and, for lack of a better term, deadpan.]

Phil: Hello and welcome back. We conclude this evening’s newscast with a word of warning about a new terror on the horizon. If you are just joining us, you already missed the touching lesbian story, "These Walls Must Be Crazy." However, I am still Phil Stellar, and this is still WOZ’s Deadpan at 10. Now for our final story:

You all recall the terror that was produced by the unseen and odorless threat known as Y2K. As a refresher, Y2K was the computer glitch created by Bill Gates so people would need to buy new computers so the world wouldn’t explode on the stroke of midnight in the year 2000. When abso-freakin’-lutely nothing happened, the poor sons of bitches who bought thousands of dollars worth of survival supplies were forced to sell their unused goods to starving Cubans on the streets of Manhattan for a fraction of their retail price. We go now to Bill Berditsman who is on the streets of Manhattan.

[Cut to Bill Berditsman, rookie field reporter, who is standing on a city street. Bill is wearing a nice shirt, but is missing his pants, wearing only briefs.]

Bill: These are the streets of Manhattan where the selling of unused survival goods was conducted. To get an idea of what one of these transactions may have been like, I have sold my pants. [With grave urgency and seriousness] And believe you me, they went damn fast.

[Cut back to Phil.]

Phil: Basically, Y2K was a load of bullshit. However, scientists have recently discovered a new menace that may threaten human existence as we know it. It is known as Y2K+3Y. When is Y2K+3Y going to strike? What is Y2K+3Y going to destroy? And most importantly, why is George W. Bush our president? These are all questions we cannot answer, but we can certainly pretend to give you some sort of response that is sure to keep you happy. As for when, scientists speculate that Y2K+3Y will strike on the third anniversary of Y2K… hence the +3Y part. As for what Y2K+3Y is going to destroy, all this newscaster can speculate is: – everything.

We here at the news are unsure of whether Y2K+3Y even involves computers… or how it plans on destroying the Earth. We are only sure of the fact that it will probably happen… and that we will all probably die. We are also certain that in some way, Y2K+3Y is somehow related to NYPD Blue’s Dennis Franz. [A picture of Franz is flashed on the screen. There is a circle with a cross through it around Franz’s head.]

WOZ news correspondent Jenna Jensen recently interviewed an expert on disasters are the University of Minnesota.

[Camera cuts to Jenna. This portion of the sketch should be improvised with a layperson, Jenna should ask questions (some suggested below) to get humorous responses from this "disaster expert" that obviously knows nothing about Y2K+3Y.]

Jenna: Y2K+3Y. What do you predict will happen when this terrible thing strikes?

Layperson: (something to the effect of…) What? I have no idea what you are talking about.

Jenna: Ah… I see… [concerned] Even if this IS some sort of government secret, don’t you feel that it is important to alert the population that they are, indeed, going to die?

Layperson: (again, probably something like…) Uhh, yes, I guess that would be important… but I still don’t know what you are talking about.

Jenna: We, or course, are speaking of Denis Franz’s Y2K+3Y that is set to destroy the planet on the stroke of midnight, 2003. You, being a disaster expert, might have some advice for the people who may be worried about this.

Layperson: (hopefully, something life…) Yes… well, I’m not a disaster expert. What is this? Are you just making all of this up?

Jenna: [very serious] No. [Jenna looks directly into the camera with a very matter-of-fact expression.]

[Cut back to Phil.]

Phil: Intriguing. One of the many problems scientists must solve in order to combat Y2K+3K is at whose stroke of midnight will this terror strike. The best guess we have at this point is that it will all begin where time itself began. In Greenwich, England, home of the Greenwich Clock. We go now to Lance Alfman who is in Greenwich.

[Cut to Lance in a small room with one table. On the small table sits a simple alarm clock with a sign under it that says "Greenwich Mean Time." Lance frequently makes up words to sound more sophisticated..]

Lance: We find ourselves at the pintacular of the storm here in Greenwich, the place where the distrophorous tragedy is set to occur in such a short timeway. You may be surprised to learn that the Greenwich Mean Clock is guarded quite heavily. In fact, we had to ride in on the catering cartel to get to this highly secuorne place. Now that we are in, we are at a loss in terms of what to say. We just wanted you to catch a glimpton of this histacurate article [gestures to clock.]. Looking at it with it’s newly found implication certainly gives new meanage to the term "Greenwich Mean Time."

[During Lance’s last sentence, he takes a dramatic cross in front of the clock, tripping over its unseen cord. The clock goes dark.]

Lance: Shit! Uhh… ahh… ummm…. [panicking].

[Lance leans over, plugs in the clock which is now blinking 12:00. He runs over to the clock, looking around him for security at all times. He kneels down next to it, looks at his watch, does some fast math on his fingers (to figure out the correct hour), and starts to reset the time on the clock. The camera stays steady on Lance as he clicks to the correct hour. We are still watching Lance as he quickly clicks to the correct minute… but passes it by one or two clicks.]

Lance: Son of a BITCH!

[As Lance hurries to go all the way though the numbers again (at a much faster pace) the camera cuts back to Phil.]

Phil: And with that, we conclude this evening’s show. Y2K+3Y can take our lives. But it cannot take our freedom. Our suggestion? Get a counselor. Talk with them about it… it is no use, as they say, go down while in the fetal position in a pool of your own urine and vomit – which is probably what this newscaster will do. I’m Phil Stellar; goodnight.